My sweetest lamb

Today I opened a kitchen drawer and found a tube of super-glue you had used only a few months ago to mend the broken bit of the plastic bin I dropped on the floor (Dolly!!). You were so brilliant at calmly mending things whereas I’d get in a fluster. You really could do anything my darling; change plugs, light-bulbs, computer stuff… everything is possible if you just read the instruction manual, you’d say. I studied the tube of glue in my hand like it was a way to contact you in some way. A bit of glue was still on the tip of the pen. Then the crying came. I cry before I go to sleep, in the middle of the night, when I wake up, during the day. There doesn’t need to be a trigger of any kind.. sometimes it feels like a release. The heavy well of sadness bursting out like a dam.

You were so talented in so many ways and you had no choice but to become self-sufficient when you moved to London from Newcastle aged 18 to go to Goldsmiths. The first person in your family to go to University. You had nothing but your brains, wit, beautiful blue eyes and determination.

You wrote in your final wishes that you wanted your precious books to go to Goldsmiths and a few weeks after you’d passed away I got the most wonderful, heartfelt letter from Mehrangez the alumnus officer there. It conveyed great sadness about your passing and added the college’s huge gratitude for your mentoring students after your graduation and for your continued support to this day. Mehrangez said they would be delighted to have your books my love. All your philosophy, politics & history books. I’ve even been invited to a drinks gathering there in July to thank the graduates who have contributed so much – including a certain Terence Ronald Gibbons. This is part of your legacy. The unofficial Terence Ronald Gibbons wing. Bloody hell, you should be so proud.

Do you remember we watched a brilliant sci-fi movie called Interstellar. It was such a beautifully haunting film. You loved sci-fi and introduced me to some of the most thought-provoking films I’ve ever seen like Solaris (I’d forgotten that George Clooney’s character recites part of And Death Shall Have No Dominion the poem I read at your funeral darling). At one point in Interstellar Matthew McConaughey’s character is able to see his grown daughter in the future through another dimension. He is looking at her through a bookcase. I remember you trying to explain wormholes in time to me… Oh, it’s making me well up just thinking about it. I’m in Starbucks but it’s quiet and everyone’s going through something.

That is how you are to me my darling.. just through the bookcase.

Your proud, ever-loving wife

Xxxxxxx