December 21st 2018

Darling TG

I’m at Gatwick airport desperate to get away from this hellish time. Cold Christmas lonely empty. I’m stranded here because of some ‘drone’ sightings. You couldn’t make it up. Fuck this country. Out of the blue I suddenly hear this friendly voice say ‘Abi Roberts!’ It’s the lovely Oli Cohen who was the fab DP on The Honeymoon. I’m already tipsy on the complimentary booze in the lounge. He’s trying to get to the British Virgin Islands. He asked what I was doing here so I said ‘I thought I’d do my grieving at Gatwick’. Oli really let out a big roar of laughter. So nice. It’s difficult to be sad when someone is laughing with you. I told him I was going on a short break to Barbados. I didn’t need to go trekking and find myself up Popacatepetl. I think Oli thought I’d made this word up. To be fair it does sound made up.

Met a really sweet lady called Faisha. At first I didn’t say anything about grieving for you but eventually it comes out. I cry. She is so sympathetic and tells me her father had passed away and she could relate to the emotion. She’s from Trinidad and has the best, most cheerful accent ever. It’s so musical and very reassuring. She works for BP and studied engineering at Imperial in London. You’d like her. We stuck together when the delays were announced. She seemed a bit lost so I made sure she knew where she was going. I got booked on a flight the next day. Faisha had to go and stay with her brother until the 24th. We parted company and I got a room in a hotel near the airport. The loneliest night of my life.

On the way to reclaim my luggage which involved a Kafkaesque having to go back through an empty passport control to leave the airport, there was a mum and her daughter who was no more than 4 years old. The little girl had seen a mouse in the lift. She was asking her mum why the mouse was there. I said ‘his flight was delayed. He was going on a mouse beach holiday’. The frazzled mum looked relieved I’d made up a nice story. Or mice story. Sorry, I’ll get my coat.

I tried to be so strong whilst at the same time thinking oh my God.. I just lost the love of my life. Such a horrible dark time. Putting on a ‘brave’ face. Couldn’t hold back tho when Faisha talked to me. I cried and then stopped – seems to be like a sluice gate – it happens when it happens then stops when the gate comes down. But it is so necessary. However painful. I cry a lot baby. I lie awake at night and think of you and what you’d say to me. It’s so so dark and the most excruciating feeling – I reach out to touch you and nothing. But I can still feel you with me. I have TG junior the koala from P&T who watches over me. He is a great companion to cuddle and stroke like your soft downy head. I’m welling up as I write this I’m so afraid because I can’t believe I won’t be able to do that again. In the physical world.

What I’m feeling today:

Fear, sickness, regret, anxiety, what-ifs, sadness, anger on your behalf for the unfairness of it all, anger for the life we would have had but I kind of grieved for that a bit back when you were diagnosed, helpless, guilty for the nice things I’ll do especially eat or when I treat myself like in the hotel now.. so sad, nice big bed, bathroom, got my TG junior with me, sad, lonely.

Love you my baby Xx