Barbados trip – Christmas 2018
I wake up every morning – often during the night with nightmares about your passing. Even though people say it was good that I wasn’t there, for so many reasons I have mixed feelings about this as I was always by your side if I was able to be. I hope and pray it was as peaceful as possible. I know you will have been thinking of your mum Pauline and Jackson (the Lakeland terrier) and then a light guiding you to them. This is what I believe.
I’m in Barbados at the moment – I got a great last minute deal. I couldn’t bear to be in the UK for Christmas darling. It’s so dark and even though Tony & Jane offered – I just couldn’t bear to be in Darlington – in the living room where we spent many evenings eating cheesy comestibles. I wanted to go somewhere far away. As you know, I came here as a small kid. I’m sitting looking out over the beautiful blue ocean – the horizon looks as if someone has drawn it on with biro – it reminds me of The Truman Show – one of your favourite films my baby. It’s lovely here. It took me 4 or 5 days to adjust and come out of my room. I was so sad. The saddest I can ever remember being ever in my life. It’s an emptiness that can’t compare to anything else. It’s the anniversary of the Lockerbie disaster and I was watching TV in the room and an elderly couple who had lost their 19 year old daughter was talking about their loss. The father said ‘Grief is not a disease that ends.. it’s like an amputation. You limp, and you will always limp’. I cried so much. It resonated with my so deeply. Like he understood exactly how I was feeling. That’s how I described it to someone. Time will never heal it completely but eventually I may walk with less of a limp. Does that make sense my love?
Today is the day after boxing day. I stayed in my room on Christmas day – I just wanted it to be over. It was ok as I lay like a toddler in bed, watched TV and slept. I’m very tired as I’m not sleeping regular hours but this break in the sun is good for my soul. I can be alone but not lonely – if you know what I mean. Lots of families here. I saw a couple argue yesterday and thought to myself: ‘God, people don’t know how lucky they are – or maybe this couple weren’t right together.. who knows? They bickered – she seemed to be accusing him of shagging other women or fucking them over – I didn’t really understand – it all seemed very angry. Not like us my darling. If we argued it would be over very soon with a hug, a kiss and a gorilla noise.. ugg ugg. Or a ding ding. I miss those so much baby. I can’t write about this yet, its too raw.
I’m sitting here on 28th December – exactly a month after your passing. There’s reggae playing ‘Sun is Shining to the Rescue, Bob Marley. There was a young guy playing steel drums jazz version of ‘Just the two of us’ and it had so many notes I felt like saying ‘ok mate, just the tune would be nice’. I thought of you – I knew you’d find that funny. Guess what I was at the small pool where I find such solace at around 11.30 every morning. Today there was a guy, his wife and their two sons there. After about 20 minutes I realised it was Charlie Brooker. I didn’t say hello as I thought that could possibly be the most awkward meeting in show business history. Never felt so alone as I do now.